Monday, November 14, 2011

Review: Her Very Special Robot by Ann Jacobs

Okay, it may sound a little lame to say this, however, there's nothing like a good story and Her Very Special Robot by Ann Jacobs is nothing like a good story.  I also know that maybe it's already getting old for me to be saying this, but here's another piece of cheese from Ellora's Cave.  Now, I know it may seem as if I have some vendetta against EC, considering that three out of four things I have reviewed from them so far are things I have rated pretty low, but the reason I have so many of these "Naughty Nooners" in my reading que is due to the fact that I went through and downloaded several of these "freebies" at the same time.  The reviews are coming as I read them.  I suppose if anything prejudices my views it would have to be the fact that I have the expectation that when an author or publisher offers stories for free it is with the intention of showcasing a great writer or work for free so readers will be interested enough to actually purchase other works from the writer and/or publishing house at a later date.  Why the market is flooded with such substandard stories, for free, totally blows my mind.  Additionally I have read several bios on some of these authors (and that is in general of several putting out free stories and not Ellora's Cave) that claim they are "award winning".  Well, when I'm reading a story that is supposed to entice me to buy a story from an "award winning author" I'm expecting to see what makes that author award winning.

Unlike a few, who from their reviews on Amazon, said they misunderstood that it was not a science fiction story I did read the description, and it actually tells you about 80% of everything you need to know about Her Very Special Robot.  Yes, it's a little quickie that is a fast and easy read, and it was described as taking 25 and 45 minutes worth of reading by a pair of Amazon reviewers who stated that they wished they could have that much time of their lives back.

Allie is a widow who lost her husband, Jack, a stuntman, a little over a year ago, and to help her celebrate the holidays his best friend and fellow stuntman, Trace, has given her a weekend at the House Of A Thousand Pleasures resort.  Yes, that's right, because nothing says I'm helping you heal from your husband's death during the holidays like two days at a sex resort.  The supposed ultimate pleasure one can get at this resort is a sex robot who will fulfill every desire.  However, there's no such thing as a sex robot, only Trace's plan with the help of the resort's owners to pass himself off as one.  What follows from there is perhaps the worst example of  "erotic romance" drivel I've ever had the displeasure of reading.

What could have been, perhaps, a deep story is pretty much destroyed by Ms. Jacobs failure to understand how to write either erotica or romance.  The two main characters are a couple of unlikable morons who can apparently only get together through an act of deception.  What may have worked in Revenge Of The Nerds comes no where close to working out in this story.  I suppose if you're an old school General Hospital fan from the Luke and Laura Era and deceptive rape seems like a great way to start a romance, then this story is for you.  Compound that with the fact that, "for a job on an adult cable show", Trace his gotten more stuff put through his junk than a Hellraiser Cenobite, and the fact that Jacobs narrative style is as exciting as a dead fish and you end up with a story that puts the "AWE" in awful.

Trace's whole robot angle is beyond laughable and would be even if there was an ounce of life in the story telling.  Allie is beyond an idiot as evidenced by the one line in the story that was so bad it was the only thing in it that even got a chuckle out of me, after she puts a condom on her "sex machine":

"Even robots do safe sex these days. I guess," she said as she bent and tongued the barbells in his balls."

To which "robot" Trace responds:

"Even robots don't want to scratch your hot little cunt."

Oh, how I wish I had Shain Brown reading me this one in that falsetto Arnold Schwarzenegger voice that he read some of my early erotic stories aloud in.  At least I would have found some of the humor that some of the other readers who have weighed in on this story claimed they did.

There's nothing at all special about Her Very Special Robot, unless you're looking for a list of male genetalia piercings.  I give it One Star, and that's generosity on my part.

Here is where you can get a copy of Her Very Special Robot, which I feel is so bad it has to be read to be believed, and since it is free you've got nothing to loose:

Master Vyle

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