Showing posts with label Ellora's Cave. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ellora's Cave. Show all posts

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Review: Seychelles Sunset by Lynne Connolly


The next foray into the erotic romance cheese cave is yet another "Naughty Nooner".  This time out Seychelles Sunset by Lynne Connolly.  There's nothing like a story with an exotic setting.  Unfortunately, in this case, the exotic setting is pretty much in title alone, and really does nothing to add to the ambiance of the story.

Edie, a retired model and budding writer, is in her hotel room, awaiting the arrival of her plastic surgeon boyfriend, John.  Edie is slightly insecure because she's ten years older than her boy toy.  Plus, because she detest condoms she has just gotten back on the Pill at the ripe old age of 46.  Her romantic get away seems to be turning into a downer when John calls and tells her he's still stuck in L.A.  This leads to a bout of raunchy phone sex, which last until it is revealed that John is actually calling from inside her room.

The story itself is pretty basic, another story which looks like it has the quality one would expect out of someone still in high school.  The exotic location is wasted, and completely comes off looking like a name chosen at random by the author, perhaps somewhere she's always wanted to go but has never actually been.  The exposition is wasted by filling it with basically useless information, and it's even more wasteful here as Connolly is actually clever enough to use that information at the end of the story to book end it (Yeah, Creative Writing 101, Trick #1).  The fact that the story revolves around an older woman and a younger man is presented as a major point, but actually turns out coming off as more passe than it really is in Connolly's hands.  Everything beyond the story's brief sex scene is a jumbled mess, that again screams, "High School Writing Assignment!".  Plus I can't imagine that anyone did not actually figure out the twist of John actually calling her from somewhere else within their suite from about "Hello", I mean it was just that painfully obvious that that was how the story was going to go.

I give Seychelles Sunset Three Stars.  Despite the muddled mess that this story is it is plain to see that Lynne Connolly does have talent and imagination, and in the end I think this story would have been better served with a much longer length and more focus on its exotic location to add further ambiance.  The story itself has received mixed reviews on both Amazon and Barnes & Noble, with an average review of Three Stars on both.  Looking at  the reviews of her works on Good Reads she has an average of a Four Star rating on most of her other stories, an indication to me that she perhaps actually does do better when writing in a longer format than the limited Naughty Nooners one.

You can find your copy Seychelles Sunset here:

Amazon:  http://www.amazon.com/Seychelles-Sunset-ebook/dp/B003SX12BM
Barnes & Noble:  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/seychelles-sunset-lynne-connolly/1022140619
All Romance eBooks: http://www.allromanceebooks.com/product-seychellessunset-437886-144.html

Master Vyle

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Review: Shapeshifter's Craving by Lee Pearce


Well from the look of things up there I'm pretty sure that you know what's going to happen.  Ellora's Cave, check.  Naughty Nooner, check.  Lame, recycled a bazillion times cover, check.  Time to tear it a new one, nope.

Nope?

What?  This freebie offering from the cheese cave isn't getting a new one?  Really?

Well, of course not.  You see because I'm Michael C. Laney, Master Vyle himself, and I'm all crazy like that!  You never know quite what I'm gonna do 'cause, I'm all crazy like that!  I say what I want, when I want and how I want, 'cause...

(Wait for it...... wait for it....)

...I'm all crazy like that!

You see this isn't the first story from Ellora's Cave that I liked.  That honor actually goes to Vonna Harper's His Voice, His Command.  Now if you know the story in question here you might say, "Well, hey, doesn't it fall slightly into that category of puppy dogs and fairies and unicorns and kitchen sink shit you despise as well as being erotic romance cheese?"

Yeah, just a little, but so what.  I do like a good "erotic romance" story, when it's fairly well written, has a good story, and works, Ray Sostre's Their First Night Together for example.

Again, my opinions and tastes, the shit I say, my ratings system, and all that shit are all based on one thing, and if you've seen Give Me Turkey Necks!, then you know what that one thing is.... This guy is a nut...  a  total headcase, whackjob, cat hoarder who's got the papers to prove it, in addition to a letter from President Jimmy Carter.

But anyway, I'm getting pretty far away from the item at hand, and that is a short story by the name of Shapeshifter's Craving by Lee Pearce.  It's the story of Kate, a princess, and her bodyguard, Aidan, in a quasi-magical land filled with shapeshifters, and in a kingdom where princesses banging their bodyguards is considered the norm, even to the point where "the King" pretty much expects it.  In the beginning Kate has never used a bodyguard for pleasure, but like Ling in Kung Pow, Enter The Fist she quickly gets over her shyness.  (Maybe even a little too quickly.)

Now for such a short story there's a great deal of information to take in, and the reader is dropped into the middle of a world of the author's imagination without much warning.  It's high school writing for the most part, but we're talking B+ quality high school writing that shows a great deal of potential, and with several other authors I think Ms. Pearce's biggest mistake is limiting her story to such a short format.  With expansion I feel that Shapeshifter's Craving would make a great novel.

Is it cheesy?  A little.  And it's definitely rushed, but I still found it interesting, and even a little endearing.  Kate is a shapeshifter who has not chosen a particular animal form, so for the period the story covers she has the ability to become any animal.  She also has a power which even she, at first, has no idea that she wields.  Aidan has a little secret of his own, and together they work to explore the possibility of a life outside Kate's somewhat sheltered upbringing.

Is Shapeshifter's Craving the greatest, by no means, but there's a great deal of potential there, which is more than I can say for a lot of writers, in several genres, who crank out whatever and slap a price on it to make a few bucks.  Lee Pearce is probably on the right track, and I can't wait to see her tackle a story in a larger format, because she has the imagination to actually tackle something over four or five pages.  I give Shapeshifter's Craving Three and a Half Stars, and look forward to what Ms. Pearce has to offer in the future.  On several sites this story has gotten mixed reviews, a fair share of those negative, however, once you sift through them it's apparent that most people found issue with the length of the story more than anything else.

You can find your copy of Shapeshifter's Craving here:

Amazon:  http://www.amazon.com/Shapeshifters-Craving-ebook/dp/B003SX125I
Barnes & Noble:  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/shapeshifters-craving-lee-pearce/1021787537
All Romance eBooks:  http://www.allromanceebooks.com/product-shapeshifter039scraving-423735-144.html

Again I lurk forward to reading more from Lee Pearce in the future.


Master Vyle


Sunday, January 8, 2012

Review: Maui Heat by Ari Thatcher


Well that time is here folks, the first review of the New Year!  I have a lot to start clearing through to get my backlog in order, so I decided to start with a little erotic romance cheese.  And, oh yeah, if I'm saying it's cheese (if the cover picture was not enough of an indication) then it must be from Ellora's Cave.  "Mmmmm.... If it says Ellora's Cave it must be cheese".  Yep, it's another (FANFARE) Naughty Nooner, this time from one Ari Thatcher, whose Amazon bio picture makes her look like Sally Spectra on crack.

I will admit that I had initially looked forward to reading this story, because with a title like Maui Heat it brought up images of the islands and beaches, and of course the lady vyle and I someday want to visit Hawaii if we never do anything else.  However, as I'm sure you know, my expectations were sharply lowered after reading several of the other high noon stink cheese freebie specials that EC offers at the exact price they're worth, FREE!

Maui Heat is the story of Maggie and Gabe, two college students who are working at a resort in Maui over their summer break.  And first off let me break into an aside and say what a neato, cool summer job that would be.  In fact I'm sure all the money they made over the summer would actually cover their round-trip airfare to get there, as well as meals if they were not provided as a condition of their employment.  Yes, I'm sure that the local Hawaiians love students from colleges flying in from all over to take their summer jobs.  Wait, summer jobs in Hawaii?  Isn't it summer year round there?

Okay, sorry.  I'm getting carried away doing that thing that drives Gina Kincade crazy about me, applying facts and logic to cheesy romantic erotica.  And really I should especially not care at all about the story since I'm a man.  Get me through the mire so I can get to the stroke worthy stuff.  (Oh, but only if there had been some stroke worthy stuff to be found.)

Let me get back to our two rejects who had to go to Maui and work at a resort instead of joining the Disney college program.  It's the last night of the summer, and as the Rock would say, "FINALLY, Maggie and Gabe have decided to hook up!"  Aren't there like 104 days of summer vacation?  I know I'm getting back into a little Disney territory, but I am sure that the theme song to Phineas And Ferb plainly states, "There's 104 days of summer vacation, till school comes along just to end it".  But anyway.... last night of summer, two horny college students who live across the country from each other, finally deciding to hook-up, erotic romance cheese!!!

Hey, Maggie, I know what we're going to do today.

Yeah, on that very last night, they're gonna fuck, or as they say in erotic romance they're gonna MAKE LOVE  and PROBABLY FALL IN LOVE FOREVER... or some such crap.

Laughable?  Laughable?

Well it seems that good little Maggie has admired her dreamboat from afar all summer.  Keeping it real however, Gabe...

"...hooked up with one or two of the girls he knew he wouldn't get attached."

Maggie:  Oh, Gabe, please, oh please, pull out your club and knock me out so you can drag me by the hair deeply into Ellora's Cave and I'll be your woman forever!

Even for a Naughty Nooner short Maui Heat is tedious, mainly because Ms. Thatcher attempts to make it into an actual story.  Unfortunately her attempt to tell a story is negated by the fact that the story she tries to tell is not at all interesting.  Just as the get it on is coming Gabe is pulled away to break up a fight somewhere, and Maggie is left all on her own, thinking he will never come back and getting groped be a drunk who seems to have a little more interest in her than her man slut Gabe.

They finally do get together and alone, and Ms. Thatcher whops out her can of spray cheese to give them a healthy squirt with lines such as...

" 'So tight.  You're milking me already.'  He thrust again, withdrew, and reached to find her clit with his thumb.  'I want you there with me.  Come with me, baby.' "

Well... Go!  Go Gadget Thumb!  Where the hell was Shain Brown to read me that in his falsetto Arnold voice and make me really laugh?

Then of course there's the obligatory...

"Their lovemaking had taken her far beyond any place she could have ever imagined."  (Yep, and it took one or two other girls there earlier in the summer as well.  Too bad it didn't take me there.)  "No matter what happened after they went their separate ways, she would always have this night."

Oh, gasp.  Oh, gush!  Oh, BALONEY!

The most entertaining little nugget of unintentional humor comes in the author's bio, where it states that...

"Ari Thatcher is a native Los Angelean who is avidly approaching her cougar years."

She's "avidly approaching her cougar years" !  How the hell do you avidly approach anything?

You are from Los Angeles, check,  You look kind of like Sally Spectra, check.  Mmmmm... but not enough like Sally Spectra for me, so that'll be a rain check, you wascally cougar, you!  Doctor please come and get me with your TARDIS and take me to the set of The Bold And The Beautiful somewhere around 1989 when Darlene Conley was alive and hot!

Additionally her bio states that...

"When she's not hunting her next prey, she can be found writing down her fantasies."

I can guess which one she does more of.  I can also tell you that she does that very poorly.

Across several sites Maui Heat has gotten mixed reviews, though mainly negative ones, and it averages somewhere in the neighborhood of Two Stars.  Me, well I'm not that generous.  Maui Heat rates One Star with me and it did nothing to entice me to read its sequel, Maui Rekindled, or any of Thatcher's other works.

If you can't do without this piece of freebie cheese in your collection you can find it here:

Amazon.Com:  http://www.amazon.com/Maui-Heat-ebook/dp/B003SX0Y5C
Sony eReader Store:   http://ebookstore.sony.com/ebook/ari-thatcher/maui-heat/_/R-400000000000000237549

Lurk it up if you dare!



Master Vyle


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Review: Not Just An Orgy by Sally Painter


You know whenever I see the word "orgy" the first thing that comes to mind is a room full of men and women, a mix of total strangers and good friends, all in a room or a house, and all having dirty, sweaty and raunchy ass sex.  When I see "orgy" I'm thinking of nasty scenes where there's much changing of partners, and much pulling of trains or ladies playing with each other once the guys have all tired themselves.  Hot and slamming, banging action!  Taboo encounters one on top of another!

Well, first of all let Me assure you that Not Just An Orgy by Sally Painter really doesn't have any of that.  Because Not Just An Orgy falls under that "erotic romance" category, and not only that, but it's another piece of cheese from Ellora's Cave.  You may note that it shares the same cover as the previous story I reviewed, Wynter Daniels's The After Party.  I'm guessing that Ellora's Cave uses the same cover for all their freebie stories, and considering the stories I've read from them so far I would have to say that that is a sign that the production they offer their authors is cheap and cut rate.  It's one of the reasons I'm glad to be fully independent.  For all you "erotic romance" writers out there, let Me say this: You do not need to share your profits with an eBook publisher.  It's so easy.  All you have to do is a little research on Amazon as to how to publish on Kindle, submit it, and at least you'd recoup some money because 99 cent books do just as well as free ones.

But anyway, back to Not Just An Orgy, though a more appropriate title would be Not Much Of An Orgy.  Actually what the title is actually meant to foreshadow and imply it that there is a twist at the ending, which I will get to later, but for now just let Me say it comes too much too late to really add any impact to the story and leaves the reader feeling, Well, now that was dumb.

The story follows Alexia Wrightman a, well, fledgling reporter...wannabe reporter, it's never really clear exactly what her credentials are, or if she even has a job reporting anywhere, because she's sure the scoop she's working on is going to land a prestigious job and make her a big name.  The scoop?  She's out to expose the fact that the owner of a nightclub, Hayden Tate, has a secret room in his club where orgies are held.  It seems there are a lot of rumors about this place, but so far no one else has investigated the story.

HUH?

Okay, is sounds almost as if it the theme for an Our Gang or Little Rascals short, with adult elements.  I mean like really.  It's the 21st Century.  I have a feeling that this is not the way you land a job or make a big name for yourself in journalism.

But wait, I haven't mentioned that said night club owner is a hot stud who just oozes sexuality, and our erstwhile heroine will do anything to see his secret orgy room, even if she has to have sex with him.  And oh, she's definitely willing and ready to do that, even to the point she's been dreaming and hoping and wishing very hard that it would happen.  So with the help of her partner, Ollie, an unseen video genius sidekick who has mounted a hidden camera in her hair clip, (and yes that's a real WTF, really, little plot element), she sets out to do just that.  Yes it sounds like some of the more terrible twists that went on in the declining years of 24, and I almost hate myself for having to admit that.

As a basic trash romance story Not Just An Orgy works for the most part.  It works in that fact that it's standard fare where you're presented with a strong female character who all too quickly goes weak in the knees and is ready to swoon and do anything for a hot and powerful stud.  The heroine comes off as pretty much a conniving status seeker who just turns into a blubbering little fuck toy, and is pretty much unlikable.  On the other side of the coin the club owner, who should come off as a sleazeball, comes off as a hot stud who doesn't seem like much of a bad guy at all.  Oh, I'm sure everyone who's ever written a dime romance about mail-order brides, betrothed women, and women captured by Indians that the female leads all start out hating their sleazy partners until they fall in love with them three quarters of the way into the story are shaking their heads and weeping in shame at Sally Painter's breaking of that rule and style.

Surprisingly, the word "fuck" is actually used a couple of times near the end of the story.  However, AGAIN, it is an EROTIC ROMANCE story, which means that, despite the fact there's an orgy going on all around them, the heroine and her hot stud, will be making love.  With each other for the first time.  In a situation where usually some other guy would probably "make love" to her once they're finished.  And again, EROTIC ROMANCE.  There's plenty of people having sex in the same room in this story, but it seems all the coupling couples are monogamous with their partners.  I suppose that why I didn't have to bare any mood killing condom putting on scenes as in The After Party.  But since the sex scenes were eeeeh anyhow there wasn't much of a mood to kill.

And of course the high points of Not Just An Orgy are lines that Mrs. Painter has written, thinking that they were oh, so hot, and brilliant, but are either corny, or just plain stupid.  Such as:

"The moist tip of his cock pressed against her anus and she stiffened.  She'd never had anal sex and licked her lips."

She licked her lips?  Honey, you need to stretch your neck out like Mister Fantastic and lick your own ass, or at least slob a little on that knob, because if you've never had anal sex before IT'S GONNA HURT!

"The outer rim of her channel ached with the need to feel his cock scrape past the folds of her pussy."

??????????

Is the "outer rim" her labia, or are the "folds of her pussy" the labia?  More to the point do the labia really ache with need?  I know I'm just a man but I was always under the impression that it was the clit that usually ached with need.  And sometimes the nipples.  And occasionally the anus.

"Alexia clung to him.  Sweat drenched him, making his shirt stick to his back.  She pushed the shirt over his shoulders and he quickly shed it, letting it fall to the floor."

Okay, so when you're clinging to a guy and he's holding you up against the wall "making love" to you isn't it a little hard to get his manly sweaty shirt off his shoulder?  He would have to be super human to get it off so it could fall to the floor without letting go of her or her letting go oh him.

OH, BUT WAIT!  I almost forgot the twist ending.  Here, let me give you a multiple choice and see if you can guess the right one.  Is it:

A. Alexia really is not a reporter, and Hayden Tate is not a sleazy club owner, but they are a married couple doing some role play and this reporter and sleazy club owner thing is a hot little sex game they play to spice up their marriage.

B. The police break in and Alexia is arrested because it turns out all the other women in the room are actually prostitutes and they assume she is one too seeing her engaged it some gash for cash love making when they bust in.

Or,

C. Hayden Tate and everyone else in the secret room are vampires, and he wants to turn Alexia into his undead bride.

The answer, obviously is C!

Just like Master Tang in Kung Pow! Enter The Fist it would have been better if Mrs. Painter had went with Plan A, had she though of it.  Vampires?  Really?  I mean considering the pussy assed orgy in the story I'm pretty sure those vampires are as sparkly as RuPaul's panties.

Of course not everyone apparently finds the story to be so terrible, but overall it still only managed to get a score of 2 and 1/2 stars on Amazon.  The reviews are mixed and ranged from those who loved it to those who apparently hated it worse than I did.  One common observation among Amazon's reviewers was that the story might have worked if it were longer, perhaps in a novel format, and that adding vampires in at the very end was a huge flub on Mrs. Painter's part.  It was a high school creative writing assignment mistake, and it's not the first, and unfortunately probably not the last time, I will see it from an independent writer whose stories look like cut rate YA stories with a little sex thrown in to spice them up.

I do have to say I saw one last bit of unintentional comedy in the About The Author blurb where it reveals:

"Nowadays, when not writing hot sexy gargoyles, vampires and futuristic hunks, she takes off on a new adventure with her soul mate husband, enjoys her family and hangs out with friends."

Sexy gargoyles?????????   Listen, not even Disney could make gargoyles look sexy.

I give Not Just An Orgy one star, and that's pushing it.  If you really want to see for yourself if you think it was bad you can get it free for Kindle from Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-an-Orgy-ebook/dp/B003SX124E

If you want to know more about Sally Painter and her works you can check out her bio at Ellora's Cave.


Master Vyle


Sunday, July 24, 2011

Review: The After Party by Wynter Daniels


Okay, I think that by now most people know I have a strong aversion to the term "erotic romance".  And I would have to say that The After Party by Wynter Daniels is a good example of why.  On a side note I first came across erotic romance over a year ago when I first began to explore the possibility of having a eBook published.  It just so happens that the publisher of this story, Ellora's Cave, was one of the first ones I checked in to.  Let Me tell you that Ellora's Cave is a good name from this publisher, because so far both stories I read published by them were total cheese.

On another side note the term Quickies, according to the information at the front of the story, is a registered trademark of Ellora's Cave.  Oh, yeah, I count that as being on par with some asshole company in New York making Bike Week a registered trademark.  Yes, kids, you just entered no respect from Master Vyle country.

Of course also being from their Naughty Nooners line (another registered TM),  and being offered as a free download I expected this story to be much better than it was.  I do my best to make an effort to offer stories that are going to generate sales for other stories when offering them for free.  This means that I do my best to offer superior stories.  Well, one could only hope that Ellora's Cave follows the tail end of that philosophy, because if I were paying I wouldn't want it to be for anything of lower quality.  Yes I know it sounds like I'm just out to trash The After Party, but it is this kind of story that gives independent writers the reputation of being hacks.

The plot is simple enough.  In fact there's actually nothing too original about it.  Woman meets stranger at wedding reception.  Woman has stranger take her home after wedding reception.  Woman has about four or five minutes of sex on the couch with stranger after wedding reception.

I'm supposing that Wynter didn't read between the lines when Jeff Foxworthy said, "If you go to the family reunion to meet women, you might be a redneck."  Had she it would have lead her to the conclusion that, "If you get buzzed on champagne and pick up a guy at your cousin's wedding reception, you might be a redneck."

Oh, my it leads to some non-suspense at the end that readers from the Victorian Era would have though of as an everyday occurrence.  Are we cousins or something?  A five second subplot.  It goes along with other senseless subplots such as: We both teach, we both have cats, we're both into mythology, and Oh, I babysat the guy I just did it with when he was a kid and hated him.

Did I just day "did it"?  Well yes, of course, because in an erotic romance, even if you're hooking up with a total stranger for some quick scrumpin' on the couch, it's described as "love making".

Now of course I'm all about fetishes.  Strange, strange fetishes.  However Wynter Daniels has some new ones on Me and the lady vyle.  Her heroine seems to have something for trees:

"He smelled of pine and fresh cut grass."

You mean like a gardener?

"I swooned at his piney scent."

Huh?  That has me imagining you do a lot of one handed driving whenever you change the air freshener in your car.

Yes some of the lines in this story are comic gold, but unlike Giselle Renarde's Goose Girl the comedy is not intentional.  Nope, The After Party contains such gems as:

"God, what is it about weddings that always makes me horny?"

and

"He tasted of mint and champagne. And lust."

Woah, sizzling!

"When he bit at my nipple through my bra, I thought I might incinerate right there on my floral patterned couch on Willow Lane."

Damn, Stephen King could have done that in less words.  Hell, honey, I would have been more concerned about the cushions getting wet and not burned.

"His hard cock pushed against my thigh, beckoning to me."

Hey, if he was really good he would make his cock do that from the other side of the room.  But that isn't the worst part.  The worst part is that right in the middle of what may have actually been a hot couch scrumpin' scene we get this:

" 'Wait.' Lifting me off his lap, he planted a kiss on my nose then sat me on the sofa next to him. He stripped off his boxers and reached for his pants on the floor. Then he dug in the pocket and emerged with a silver wrapped packet. He tore it open and deftly rolled a condom on to his erect shaft."

Yes, it was scenes like that which made RoboFox 2 one of the worst adult films ever made.  Which considering the fact that in the first RoboFox the titular RoboFox rubbed the semen from the money shot in all her partners' faces is pretty bad and pretty much reveals my opinion this story.  I give The After Party two stars and that's pushing it.

Of course different strokes for different folks.  The story actually has a fair deal of good reviews on Amazon.  The only person who really gave it a scathing review was The English Teacher, who is now My hero, and his was even more critical than this one.  So I suppose you will have to see for yourself and tell Me if I'm wrong or not.

The After Party is available for free from Amazon.Com:
http://www.amazon.com/The-After-Party-ebook/dp/B004NBYBOI

Wynter Daniels is the pseudonym for Florida author Dara Edmondson.  You can find out more about her and her works on her Amazon Author's Page and on her Author Bio Page at Ellora's Cave, http://www.ellorascave.com .

Master Vyle