Greetings fright fans, fiends, freaks, perverts and sickos. In anticipation for my upcoming blog post, I'll Accept "Retardeder" As A Word Because I'm From Florida, or Her Teeth Were The Same Color As Her Shirt (At Least The Yellow Part), I have offically released the very first "MiniSode" episode of House Of Master Vyle, Preview Of Coming Distractions. Think of it as a little eye and ear candy. Hhehehehehehe.
This morning I woke up and brushed my teeth. I then brushed my pretty, bottle blond hair, parting and styling it like the late, great, Dr. Paul Bearer. I adjusted my more than generous man titties under my, oh so manly, man shirt. Had a healthy dose of steroids for breakfast. Did my trainin' (or in other words emulated the "training" most of the rest of you do by reading what was posted on FaceBook). Then I got down on my broken down old knees and said my prayers to the man upstairs... Jeff Bezos. Why Jeff? Well because Jeff claims his company, one I am sure plenty of my fellow EGOMANIACS reading this believe they peripherally work for, Amazon, owns the Internet. Funny, I actually always thought that Google owned the Internet, or das FaceBooken, or at the very least Henry van Statten, you remember, the guy who was revealed to own the Internet on the "Dalek" episode of Doctor Who back in 2005. Hhehehehehehe.
Oh, yeah, BROTHER! If you haven't gathered from the posts on das Booken over the past few days, or the tweets, EGOMANIA is alive and well, and still runnin' wild! And oh, yeah, Master Vyle's EGOMANIA ego, is still bigger than the biggest, hugest, mega-sized Yahoo Messenger Internet penis you never saw. The little caskets beside both Long Dong and Long Dan Silver (not relation), just rolled over in shame and envy.
Oh, and speaking of rolling over in shame and envy, I think there's a good chance of a lot of people doing that after they read this. The why to this is quite simple really: I'm Michael C. Laney, and I say and do all the shit that all the rest of you little ass sniffers are scared to say and do because...
ONE: Michael C. Laney/Master Vyle truly is the Last Free Radical, and therefore is not scared to say shit!
TWO: Michael C. Laney/Master Vyle is not motivated by money because he is actually a writer.
I am very sure most people are familiar with Number One, and I'll be going into Number Two more and more as this post continues.
CAUTION: IF YOUR EGO BRUISES EASILY, YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR, OR YOU GET VERY EASILY PISSED OFF, MY ADVICE WOULD BE TO STOP READING RIGHT ABOUT RIGHT NOW!
It was a little over a week ago that I made the announcement that I would no longer label myself as an independent author or writer, but rather as a liberated author. Now, the idea was not to create some new label for myself or others, but more to actually make the statement, that though for the longest time I had embraced that distinction of being independent I had made the decision to no longer be associated with the INDEPENDENT AUTHOR title. In fact it's pretty much always been author and the label has been an identifier to help others who needed that, and now, in the future, if someone just has to call me something other than just author I'll say, just throw on liberated, because I am. More and more independent author is becoming code for "shit" and since, of course, now that the name of Erika "E.L. snowqueensicedragon James" Leonard will be forever be associated with the term independent author who in their right mind would want that label hung on them?
Okay, gonna pause. I know some of my EGOMANIACS are sitting there and scratching their heads. What? But we want to be just like E.L. James, the most successful writer on Earth.
Bitch, please! I'll get to "Snowjob Icedragon" in a little bit.
Pictured above is a yellowed and nasty manuscript I've shown off before. This is what's called an unpublished novel. I have several of these, as well as several short stories and poems; in similar binders, in notebooks, in manila folders, in word files, hell even on floppy friggin' diskettes. The point I'm trying to illustrate with my manuscript the size of a New York City phone book, EGOMANIACS? Again, I am a writer, and it is what I was born to do. That said I'm not one of almost every "independent author" who says in their bio, "I've been writing as long as I can remember", or "I've been writing since I was a little kid", or "I've been telling and writing stories since before I stared school."
When I see such statements usually the first thing I think is, LIAR! What a fucking LIAR!
Been writing since before you started school? Well it shows, because it's painfully apparent that most of these "writers" haven't learned a damn thing about writing since they started writing, waaaayyyyy back before they ever started going to school. And oh the horror of the Online Publishing Age, because now Mom and Dad can jot down Little Billy or Little Suzie's drivel and send it to, OH YEAH, Amazon! Let's see the requirements to publish a Kindle book still are that it has to be in a PRC-MOBI file and that it has to have WORDS in it right? Well, of fucking course that's all there is to it, which is how so many of these neat-o-keen, super awesome books by these independent authors who have been writing stories since pre-Kindergarten and not evolving a single damn step from day one in their writing ability get published. WOOOOH! You're welcome for me having the time and balls to point that one out to you my EGOMANIACS!
Been writing since you were a little kid? Nothing worthwhile. Because before you can learn write well the first thing you have to do it learn to listen well, as well as learning how to observe the world around you. You see, yes, I'll admit, I did write little things, did little picture stories "proto-stories" when I was young. However, that is part of evolving as a writer and not actually being a writer. Yet, were I to listen to the 99% (meaning the git me some fast money gigglers and droolers) of the independent writing scene, I'm apparently doing it all backwards. To move ahead and be on track, EGOMANIACS, what I would need to do would be to dig up the Hong Kong Phooey fan fiction I wrote back in Kindergarten, just change the names of the characters, and send that bitch on to Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
(PLEASE, WAIT FOR IT! MY FEELINGS ON FAN FICTION AND SNOWJOB ICEDRAGON STILL TO COME!...)
Well, that ain't happening, again, because I AM A WRITER and it is WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO. I didn't just wake up one day and fall out of bed and say to myself, "Hey, writing books. That's easy money. I can sit on my ass and do that." I wasn't sitting on some erotica story submission site one day, torn between reading some poorly written piece of shit and hovering my mouse over to go to the Dare Dorm to check out "Hot (Yet Barely Legal) Co-Ed Action", when another link caught my eye that said, "Hey, why just stroke to shitty stories on our site when you can submit them too?!!" I wasn't some Edward Cullen fangirl who was unsatisfied with her old man and started submitting her poorly written sex fantasies to FanFiction.Net until they ran me and my ripped off Mortal Kombat logo off crying like a little bitch because their rules forbade "porn", started my own site to keep writing my "inner goddess" clit diddle fantasies and then decide, "Hey, I got a book here. I should publish it and make money."
Master Vyle Wins! FATALITY!
NO. Again, I am a writer, and this is what I was born to do. I'm published because it was my dream to be published, not to make a mountain of filthy dirty, quick money. People buy my stories because people want to read my stories, not because I got down and joined the Mutual Brown Nose And Chin Society. You know how many people "Like" my Amazon Author Page other than myself? Freakin' ZERO! Not a complaint, a fact, and it can stay that way forever because I would feel a lot better if no one liked it than if I went around soliciting all my "friends" and "buddies" to like it. My writing style can be pretty no frills and bare boned, and I do my best to give it to you straight, so I like it back just as straight. I can smell the difference between comments and reviews, and that I believe I have established at length. And when the time comes and there are actual reviews on my work on the major sites, I'm ready for honest reviews. I love honest reviews, I give them, yet that said I have never expected anyone to ever turn around and give me a review I didn't deserve just to give me a review or "return a favor." I don't do favors, and I don't ask for them.
Yes, I know the 99% are probably rolling their eyes and thinking, This guy is totally ass-backward. Yeah, that would be the point, idiots. If I am to be a megabuckmiester someday, again, a membership in the Mutual Brown Nose And Chin Society or the Hyper-Hype Circus won't have anything to do with it, my EGOMANIACS!
I still and will probably always credit Jason Darrick with giving me the most honest review ever. Jason had no problem at all saying what he didn't like about the first edition A Letter To Doctor Freudstein - Demoni - And Ten Poems. Not only was his review fair and neutral, but he also didn't give it a perfect rating, and that was from a guy who the book was co-dedicated to. That, my EGOMANIACS, is the mark of someone acting as a real writer and reviewer.
Again, I know the head scratchers within that 99% are saying, well if you're so great, where's all your stuff? We have ten times as many things published as, ~huff~ Michael C. Laney.
I point back up to all those statements alluding to the fact that I'm a real writer. Yes, I maybe, just might be, maybe possibly ruffling some feathers here. Hell, I may even sound like Postie the PostMan, James Robert Smith himself right now, but that's okay, because James Robert Smith couldn't write himself out of a wet paper bag with a freakin' razor blade! But you see, what the 99% of the giggling and drooling, money grubbing idiots in the independent author world, and when I say 99% of the giggling and drooling, money grubbing idiots in the independent author world I mean James Robert Smith included, fail to realize are that actual authors and/or writers believe in a little thing called quality. Quality over quantity. It means a lot to me, but that isn't to say I haven't made mistakes. However, as a REAL or FOR REAL author I am actually taking the day off of correcting one of those major mistakes made with an 800 page manuscript to do this.
Am I scared that every day that mistake is not corrected that someone is going to have fodder to deliver me a dreaded horrible rating and review?
Again, bitch please. As much as Postie the PostMan has attacked independent writers that bitch has a Four Star rating on all his works. (All two of them.) Why? Simple. You're all scared. You're all scared to answer back and give a truthful and honest review, one other than the ones he has from friends, what he in fact accuses you of doing on a daily basis, that the finger will be turned back on you, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, he's right in your case and you'll be exposed for the hack that you, like him, probably are.
Where's my review of The Flock and 50 Shades Of Grey, you're asking, EGOMANIACS?
I do assure you they're in the que. But the thing is, again, I'm a real writer, and pretty much at the moment I have been occupied with doing what it is that I do. WRITING BOOKS!
Now, of course, since I was born to write, and I am getting pretty old, 40 (yes, I was born in the backward and arcane 20th Century), I had another dream. I used to dream of going into the library and walking amongst the rows, and looking and having the ability to find one of my books. Ah, libraries. You know what those are 99%ers? They're great repositories of knowledge. When books get published, even now "eBooks", they tend to end up in them. You go to this place, this library or virtual library-like thing, and instead of buying a book you get to borrow it from that library, or virtual library-like thing, for something like 14 days. You read it, then you take it back. Now sometimes they have names like the Library of Congress, or the New York Metropolitan Library. Then other times they have stranger names in the Digital Age of the 21st Century, names like Lendink.
~HUGE SOUND EFFECT OF A RECORD BEING SCRATCHED~
SHARPEN YOUR PITCHFORKS AND LIGHT YOUR TORCHES NOW, BITCHES! BECAUSE IF I HAVEN'T PISSED YOU OFF YET YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE!
Oh, what joyous fate that I decided to dump the title of "independent author" just days before the independent writing world discovered Lendink, a nearly two year old eBook lending facilitator which allowed people who owned eBooks to lend copies of them to their friends. Yes, I have much enjoyed the moronic circus which ensued once the Hounds Of Iniquity started baying," AROOOOOO! They've stolen our shit! AROOOOOO! We have to shut this site down! AROOOOOO! ALL YOU LEMMINGS FILE DMCA NOTICES RIGHT NOW! AROOOO! Better check to see if your work is there!"
Yes, I have laughed. And laughed. And LAUGHED to the point I've nearly pissed myself over this. In the beginning because, Number One: Lendink never actually "had their shit." Yes, not a damn indie author screaming for Lendink's blood even had a clue how it worked. I also, AND FREAKIN' TADA BITCHES, doubt they are aware of an article that came out in May titled 50 Book Lending Sites Similar To Lendink. (Again, please excuse me, LMMFAO!)
The other reason I've had such a good laugh over this was that at the end of July Lendink posted a letter "from Amazon", sadly announcing an end to their partnership, due to recent changes in California law (California being where Lendink was based) in regard to digital file sharing, because, not of the content, but to ensure that people's "intellectual property rights" were being protected. Now regardless of any expired site certificates, or "shady" dealings by Lendink, or whether or not the letter from Amazon was bogus or not it was pretty much effectively impotent to conduct further business as a file sharer due to the wording in the law. And oh, by the way, great job on that law people out to protect your vaunted intellectual property rights, kind of screwed yourselves on that one in the long run.
So what does that mean?
Well, here's where all the almost pissing myself laughing comes in. Lendink was pretty much, you could say, in the process of probably looking for something else to do. It's owner, who yes, also sells this and that and other stuff, was no doubt just letting the site shut itself down. THREE FRIGGIN' WEEKS AGO. Now, on a side note, before I continue, let me add that one of the first people I actually saw screaming, "Oh, no this site is stealing our books," I found attached to an actual "Book Pirate" site when I went to that site to file legitimate DMCA notices because they did have my files on their site illegally with a huge, So And So "Likes" this site by his name. But back to the comedy, the utter piss myself joy I've had watching the indie author lemmings gathering around the cold and unmarked corpse of Lendink with their clean and shiny swords screaming, "VICTORY! WE DID IT! WE SLAYED THE BEASTIE! WE WON FOR INDIE WRITERS EVERYWHERE!"
Yeah, well guess what. If getting about 100 DMCA Notices within a 72 hour period was enough to shut down a site, then Amazon, that company a lot of you EGOMANICAS somehow actually believe you work for, would have been out of business years ago. DUUUUUHHH-FUCKIN-HU!
(And just a side note, there are some who say that Lendink isn't as dead as you think! Hhehehehehe.)
Now-zers. Let's get to "Big River" and if they did or didn't have an arrangement with Lendink. Well, I've seen the letters from Amazon. You know, the typical Amazon form letters, no doubt sent by some low level jaborni who just wants to shut up the quacking of independent authors, and in the end has no fucking clue what's going on either way. You see, yes, at the time those responses came from Amazon they didn't have an agreement with Lendink. However, if you search back through the archives, there are several people on Amazon's Forums also screaming about the Lendink witch hunt, because they are pointing out over and over that Amazon was in a partnership with Lendink.
Were they, or weren't they?
Let's see. If Amazon actually had a partnership with Lendink and it did sever it somewhere along the lines of three weeks ago that would mean that, at the time the 99% began flooding Amazon with letters sniffling about some site stealing their shit (and by the way Amazon is a multi-billion dollar conglomerate that's doing quite well, and in the end does not give one fucking shit coated kernel of corn if some website in California is ripping you off or not), they actually didn't have, or wouldn't have had an agreement with Lendink. Das Jabroni at his/her desk who only exist to answer your whining plugs the information into the form letter response e-mail at their work station, and like 99% of the 99% can't be bothered to do further research into if Lendink ever actually had an agreement with Amazon at any point, and sends you the letter in the hopes of shutting you up so they can go back to playing Spider Solitaire. Two words, bitches, PLAUSIBLE DENIAL. Never mind the fact that if there was something of any real concern (and when I say something of real concern I mean something of real concern, to Amazon), you can bet that Bezos (and probably Romana) would have come down from on high and issued (or had another low level jabroni issue) a statement.
Well why wouldn't they address this problem? What? Haven't you been reading?
Okay, here let me put it in these terms. Like so many huge ass, multi-bazillion dollar conglomerates Amazon outsources stuff it doesn't want to deal with by either investing the money or man power to deal with. Oh, what to compare this to so the 99% would understand... OH, YEAH! SMASHWORDS! Smashwords and most other fly-by night eBook sellers cut overhead by not having an accounting department. They let PayPal take care of all of that. And that all works out pretty good, except for the whole PayPal and eBay deciding to dictate what is morally acceptable in print whenever they so choose for every retailer on Earth. Mmmmm... except eBay.
Taking a pause to look at my watch. Oh, yeah. I'm still waiting for that "victory" from earlier in the year to come back and bite all of you in the asses. And when it happens, yes, that picture of Hitler wearing a PayPal logo is going back up with a huge I TOLD YOU SO on it, and that will be all I have to say about that. (At least that's all I will have to say about it on the first day of the Second Great PayPal Purge.)
Well, of course I could just go on forever about eBook lending. Maybe it's best to simply say, Hey, thanks, like you self-back patters are expecting everyone to do. Thanks for saving us all from a dying eBook lending site. WOOHOOO! One down 49 to go! So what's next? Going after the "real" libraries? WOOOHOOO! Do the Romans proud why don't you?!
Now again I'm sure there are some people who do not know my history thinking, well this guy doesn't care at all about intellectual property rights.
Well, just go back through the archives of this blog and you'll see it's what actually let me to eBook publishing in the first place. ASS-BACKWARD? Yeah, one of my works was plagiarized and sold on Amazon, defender of my intellectual property rights, who earlier this year accused me of plagiarizing my own works and demanded I remove them from their site. I mention this because Amazon is a huge corporation, and having worked for a few huge corporations in my past I can tell you they're filled with low level functionaries and jabronis who either don't know, or have no clue what is going on from one area to the next, therefore, whether Amazon ever had a partnership with Lendink or not, ever, they'll never tell you, because they will never be able to figure out whether they had an agreement with Lendink or not.
And by the way how many of you EGOMANIACS know how eBook lending works? Well apparently not too many; as the first clue you would have had before burning the "lenders" to the ground would be to know that Person A has to have a copy of Book B, and that Person C actually wants to borrow that book, and then Person A has to be willing to lend it for 14 days to Person C, or whatever. Complicated? Here, I'll let my old friend Spider-Fangire explain it to you.
Oh, I'm sorry. Apparently he only brought his duck puppet and didn't bring any crayons. I suppose you might have to actually get off your lazy asses and break down and research something for a change, other than where to get a copy of a DMCA Notice. Sorry, I'm pretty fuckin' generous, but I ain't doing it all for you.
I know by now several people are shaking their heads. They think I have no clue what I'm talking about. They think I may even be insensitive to several authors who were, sort of, swept up in the whole Lendink scandal and accused of being book pirates themselves. For a writer who actually works hard at their craft being accused of plagiarism or piracy is an awful thing, however with 99% of the so called indie scene filled with money grubbing gigglers and droolers concerned with their intellectual property rights, or at least the perceived intellectual property rights of the members of their chapter of the Mutual Brown Nose And Chin Society, this is going to happen more and more often. Instead of writing, actually ever doing any writing, they're more concerned with Witch Hunting. Again, all the research one needs to begin a Witch Hunt is for someone to make the wrong post on FaceBook, because, of course, when one of their other independent author "friends" post it on FaceBook it's the absolute truth! These EGOMANIACS are taking to heart statements like, "You have to remember that when you're an independent writer not only are you a writer, but you're a publisher as well."
Really? Because most of these idiots aren't qualified to even claim they're writers, and they're going to take to heart that they're publishers as well.
BITCH, FUCKIN' PLEASE!
Listen, for all my harshness I'm sorry. Recently, I was told that I had no sense of etiquette or knowledge of proper decorum after comparing Queen Elizabeth II to Darth Sidious for not smiling at the group of disabled children singing "God Save The Queen" at the opening ceremony for the Olympic Games. And yes, I realize part of the faux pas was that you are not actually allowed to make fun of Queen Elizabeth along with subjects of the British Crown, unless you are in fact also a subject of the British Crown. Before I go any further let me apologize to Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. It was totally wrong for me to compare you to Darth Sidious, as Darth Sidious is known for smiling evilly and for great burst of melodious laughter.
What was the point of that unapologetic segue? To say I do realize there was a time when independent writer and author had nothing to do with being published in digital formats, and in many cases even self-published. However the term is now lost and at least for now meaningless. Some people will probably say, Man this guy isn't out to win any friends. Nope. Some would say, Ha, this dude's friends and followers list is gonna so shrink. So be it. Real friends don't necessarily agree with every single opinion you have, and you don't agree with every single opinion they have, but you're still friends. If an opinion cost a friendship it wasn't much of a friendship to begin with. If there happen to be some money grubbing and no talent parasites that I barely know who de-friend or unfollow me on whatever social media we're attached on, WHOOPIE-FREAKIN-DO!
Oh, and I hear it coming. You're just an asshole! You don't care about piracy or intellectual property rights.
Well, junior, let Master Vyle educate you EGOMANIACS a little further. I see that it took quite some time for y'all to catch on to the oh so horrible, Devil Lendink. Perhaps you've never heard of something called Torrents.
Oh, you have heard of torrents. Yeah, yeah. People use those to download all sorts of things, like TV shows, and movies, and songs-. Oh, and eBooks!
Yes, that is correct. People can use torrents to download eBooks. Oh, and not just eBooks, but entire eBook libraries. Oooooh-HO, and not just eBooks and entire eBook libraries, but sometimes the entire short story catalogue of a particular story submission site or two can be found on them as well.
Yes, EGOMANIACS! YOU'RE FREAKIN' WELCOME! Thanks to Master Vyle you now not only have 49 eBook lending libraries to take down, but you also have a few hundred torrent sites to send your DMCA Notices to as well. Good luck on that one, after all governments have been trying to shut down those gosh darned torrent sites forever, but hey, you independent authors beat PayPal and Lendink with such ease. I'm sure you'll be TOUTing, "Victory!", on WWE.Com and have all the torrent sharing sites shut down for good by next week.
Of course now I get to the part that may really piss you off. That OMG moment where Master Vyle yanks the curtain down to expose that the big bad bogeyman, Oz the Great and Powerful, isn't some lending site you have no clue how works, but rather the ease that anyone, probably including you idiots who can't publish an eBook without Mark Coker holding your hand can figure out to do, and that is how to actually "pirate" an eBook. It's quite simple. All you need is an eReader device, a computer, at least two jabronis who want to "share" the book without going through a library or lending service, another eReader device or a computer with an eReader emulator, and in certain cases a file converter available free on any of dozens of sites.
How many of you have red-assed ears right now? You're probably like, HOLY SHIT! HE'S TELLING PEOPLE HOW TO PIRATE eBOOKS.
I'm not telling anyone anything. I'm pointing out the harsh reality. I'm betting if I handed my 14 year old a Kindle and a NOOK and said, "I want you to take Book X off this Kindle and format it so this NOOK can read it," that he could have that done in less than 15 minutes. It's not that he has experience doing that. Hell, he's never even held a NOOK, but my point is it is really so easy anyone can figure out how to do it that fast.
Just as the independent writing scene today is made of hundreds of thousands of individuals writing substandard shit for quick sale, so too is the independent pirate scene filled with hundreds of thousands of people willing to strip and flip a file and "share" it over and over. Your drama queen holy war crusade against sites that actually may not even have your file physically on them shouldn't be your main concern. If you're worried about someone reading something you've written without you getting paid for every single copy you're probably going to have to take your search from house to house. Although, in the long run, you're not going to find your cheap and easy, priced from free to $1.99 eBooks there. No, EGOMANIACS. What you will find in the pirate libraries are books by authors that probably most every other man, woman and child walking the face of the Earth have actually heard of. Why?
Hhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe! Because most major publishers do not allow their titles to be lent, because they sign a totally different agreement than you 99% quackers do when you set up accounts at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
Well, EGOMANIACS, that concludes the Butt Pirates of the eBook Lending Site part of the tour. Need I really point out any other reasons I wanted to distance myself from the independent author label? There is all the backstabbing and backbiting. The whining about someone sabotaging someone else because they gave them a bad/honest rating or review. Squabbling over ethereal intellectual copyright infringements the courts on Bizarro Superman's home planet wouldn't even touch. More drama than at my son's middle school. Oh, and one of my favorites, the guy whining, "You ruined my career by throwing me out of the group." (Meaning of course that his writing career was forever ruined because he was booted out of a FaceBook writer's group that has less than 100 members in it.)
Mmmm.... Yeah. WELL, NO NEED TO KEEP BEATING THIS DEAD HORSE! I THINK I JUST MAY HAVE PISSED ALL OF YOU OFF!
OOOOOOOHHHH SNAP AND WAIT! Not quite everybody! See this is what everyone has been waiting for, especially one of my favorite readers, Mrs. Erika Leonard, herself. WOOT, icy! TA-FREAKIN-DA! Yes, I'm well aware you read all my post on das Booken, my Twitter tweets and, oh yeah, of course right here at House Of Master Vyle. And just let me say I'm honored, or would be honored if I actually considered flies on shit to be readers. Just let me also say before I get too deep that I know you have a blogger account too, although I'm not sure if "Mistress" Snowqueen does. That said, if at any time you want to prove me wrong, and prove you're not a gutless little coward, please comment on this post. Chrystian Marrero proved he could do it. But then again, I never disputed the fact that Chrystian Marrero was a writer either.
Master Vyle Wins! BRUTALITY!
Ahhhhhhhh, 50 Shades Of Grey. It was as if the heavens opened up and from them dropped all the proof I would ever need that a majority of independent erotica writers were idiots. Yes, this (and I am always loathe to call it either book or trilogy) travesty somehow produced a bastard child called the "What To Read After 50 Shades Of Grey List". So, okay, this piece of shit wasn't bad enough? Now you want to aspire to be listed as what to be read after it?
Of course! OH-HO-HO-HO, who wouldn't want to be Edward Cull-...er I mean Christian Grey's sloppy seconds?
(My outer god cringes and seeks to crawl up my own musty arse at the thought. Rolling my eyes.)
But oh my, some indie authors are so honored to get on the list. They ride it like Anastasia Steele riding Grey's over bloated, only never seen that big on the Internet, penis. They want to be on the list, or write the "Next" 50 Shades Of Grey as if that would be some arduous accomplishment. Really? You've got to have low self-esteem, I mean even lower than Anastasia Steele's self-esteem, and have a poor opinion of your work if this is the height you aspire to.
Oh, wait. I hear it.
But 50 Shades is outselling Harry Potter.
BITCH FUCKIN' PLEASE! A copy of Harry Potter and the Search For The Philosopher's Stone written on a loose collection of napkins will always be a much bigger literary giant the 50 Shades Of Grey, even if it was inscribed on the freakin' golden plates of Mormon.
To add to the abject absurdity and hilarity of people clamouring to "catch the wave" or as I call it the shit tsunami of fan-fic-fickidy-fickiness I listen to people say how badly written it is, then say how much they liked it. HUH? These same people talk about Mrs. Leonard as if she's some kind of genius, and that she's their hero.
What makes that so funny is that many of these people are the exact same people who were burning up the trail, pitchforks raised and torches blazing, out for Lendink's blood. Which means these are the same people oh so concerned about intellectual property rights being protected. And EX-FREAKIN-CUSE ME? Erkia Leonard, A.K.A. E.L. James, SnowJob Icedragon herself is actually your hero???
The 50 Shades Trilogy took Stephenie Meyer's intellectual property rights, threw them on the pinball machine in the corner of the bar and started raping them. And all you independent erotica authors are all patrons in the bar yelling, "Woohoo, fuck her good', and "Man, I can't wait to take a turn with that ass!"
Oh, yeah, EGOMANIACS. Erika Leonard is a genius alright. A genius who knows all about helicopter cockpit dialogue and not a damn thing else. I have had someone who has actually met her describe her as humble. Humble? She's not humble. Whenever she's on US soil she's afraid Stephenie Meyer might walk through the door, having finally come to her senses, and slap the fucking taste out of her mouth. You would think she would want to do that for using her characters as the templates for characters in a story so bad it would be panned on all major erotic story submission sites, that is if it even generated any interest at all. Without the Twilight connection no one would have ever given a rat's ass about Master Of The Universe, other than Mattel. (Still afraid they're going to sue you, Erika. That other reason she gets, oh, so humble on US soil. Of course the other would be fear that Midway would come after her for using the Mortal Kombat logo as if it were her personal crest.) Yet, better still, you would think Meyer would want to smack the shit out of this diffy idiot for being brazen enough to substitute her husband's name for her character's name when Leonard decided to "revamp" MOTU for legitimate publication.
What, sniffling on the other side of the pond? Yeah, I know you didn't see that one coming, Erika, and despite your best efforts to block my digging into your so called career you still haven't managed to hide everything now, have you? See, you've made quite a few enemies among your old fan fic buddies, or as I'm sure you think of them now when your inner goddess still has that occasional smile the little people. P.S. - There's still plenty in the vault all saved up for review time.
And, oh for the holidays that 50 Shades Cologne will be hitting the market, right?
Well, guys, Master Vyle is going to help save you and your woman some bucks on that one. Want to smell like Christian Grey? It's easy. Just sneak into the LADIES ROOM and grab a hand full of used tampons, string them bitches around your neck, and you'll have that smell that Christian Grey so deeply covets hanging around you, and the ladies will be all over you like you dunked yourself in a barrel of Axe.
Did that sound totally fucking ridiculous?
Then you haven't trudged too far into the 50 Shades Travesty.
Why be so up in arms over this?
Easy. I hate lazy mother fuckers who suddenly one day decide they're writers.
50 Shades Of Grey is fan fiction. And the Number One unwritten rule of fan fiction is: You never profit from fan fiction. Not being a writer, Mrs. Leonard decided it was okay to break that rule, and oh, lookie, it paid off for her in spades, quick and easy mountains of filthy stinking money she can, in the end, attribute to someone else's success.
Oh, but she's an innovator for that. She changed the rules.
Yep, that she did EGOMANIACS. Because after so many years of no one paying any attention to it the spotlight has shifted to fan fiction. And mark my words that will end up killing that form of expression, what for years and years has been an outlet for fans of other works to make up and share stories with each other. Why? Because authors other than Stephenie Meyer will start having a problem with their characters and ideas being presented as fan fiction one day, then as templates for "legitimate" fiction another day. And in the name of intellectual property rights more and more authors will request fan fiction sites not post work based on their stories and characters. Way to go, Erika, you innovator you. Man, you're a humble freakin' genius!
Master Vyle Wins! FLAWLESS VICTORY!
Yeah, my EGOMANIACS. That's how it is. And those are some of the reasons why I'm now liberated. I'm, again, not calling myself a "liberated author", yet I'm liberating myself from being hung with any title other than author itself. I meant what I said, over and over in this post, I was born to write. I wasn't born writing, haven't been writing since I was a little kid, but I was born to do it. That said I take great exception to anyone who actually did fall out of bed one day and decide they were going to write because it was an easy way to make money. There's nothing easy about this. This is hard as fucking hell, and it's worse knowing at times you have more brains than anyone within 50,000 feet of you at any given time. That feeling is worse still when you finally, supposedly, meet your peers, and realize a majority of them are as stupid, if not even bigger idiots, than most you run into on an everyday basis. I worked very hard to get here, and in reality that isn't very far. I plan on working harder still, more than likely every day for the rest of my life. My effort in writing has always been to be better than the next guy, and to be better than I was before. It's a hard road, but that's the true road.
Show me one person who ever amounted to shit after making easy money.