Well that time is here folks, the first review of the New Year! I have a lot to start clearing through to get my backlog in order, so I decided to start with a little erotic romance cheese. And, oh yeah, if I'm saying it's cheese (if the cover picture was not enough of an indication) then it must be from Ellora's Cave. "Mmmmm.... If it says Ellora's Cave it must be cheese". Yep, it's another (FANFARE) Naughty Nooner, this time from one Ari Thatcher, whose Amazon bio picture makes her look like Sally Spectra on crack.
I will admit that I had initially looked forward to reading this story, because with a title like Maui Heat it brought up images of the islands and beaches, and of course the lady vyle and I someday want to visit Hawaii if we never do anything else. However, as I'm sure you know, my expectations were sharply lowered after reading several of the other high noon stink cheese freebie specials that EC offers at the exact price they're worth, FREE!
Maui Heat is the story of Maggie and Gabe, two college students who are working at a resort in Maui over their summer break. And first off let me break into an aside and say what a neato, cool summer job that would be. In fact I'm sure all the money they made over the summer would actually cover their round-trip airfare to get there, as well as meals if they were not provided as a condition of their employment. Yes, I'm sure that the local Hawaiians love students from colleges flying in from all over to take their summer jobs. Wait, summer jobs in Hawaii? Isn't it summer year round there?
Okay, sorry. I'm getting carried away doing that thing that drives Gina Kincade crazy about me, applying facts and logic to cheesy romantic erotica. And really I should especially not care at all about the story since I'm a man. Get me through the mire so I can get to the stroke worthy stuff. (Oh, but only if there had been some stroke worthy stuff to be found.)
Let me get back to our two rejects who had to go to Maui and work at a resort instead of joining the Disney college program. It's the last night of the summer, and as the Rock would say, "FINALLY, Maggie and Gabe have decided to hook up!" Aren't there like 104 days of summer vacation? I know I'm getting back into a little Disney territory, but I am sure that the theme song to Phineas And Ferb plainly states, "There's 104 days of summer vacation, till school comes along just to end it". But anyway.... last night of summer, two horny college students who live across the country from each other, finally deciding to hook-up, erotic romance cheese!!!
Hey, Maggie, I know what we're going to do today.
Yeah, on that very last night, they're gonna fuck, or as they say in erotic romance they're gonna MAKE LOVE and PROBABLY FALL IN LOVE FOREVER... or some such crap.
Well it seems that good little Maggie has admired her dreamboat from afar all summer. Keeping it real however, Gabe...
"...hooked up with one or two of the girls he knew he wouldn't get attached."
Maggie: Oh, Gabe, please, oh please, pull out your club and knock me out so you can drag me by the hair deeply into Ellora's Cave and I'll be your woman forever!
Even for a Naughty Nooner short Maui Heat is tedious, mainly because Ms. Thatcher attempts to make it into an actual story. Unfortunately her attempt to tell a story is negated by the fact that the story she tries to tell is not at all interesting. Just as the get it on is coming Gabe is pulled away to break up a fight somewhere, and Maggie is left all on her own, thinking he will never come back and getting groped be a drunk who seems to have a little more interest in her than her man slut Gabe.
They finally do get together and alone, and Ms. Thatcher whops out her can of spray cheese to give them a healthy squirt with lines such as...
" 'So tight. You're milking me already.' He thrust again, withdrew, and reached to find her clit with his thumb. 'I want you there with me. Come with me, baby.' "
Well... Go! Go Gadget Thumb! Where the hell was Shain Brown to read me that in his falsetto Arnold voice and make me really laugh?
Then of course there's the obligatory...
"Their lovemaking had taken her far beyond any place she could have ever imagined." (Yep, and it took one or two other girls there earlier in the summer as well. Too bad it didn't take me there.) "No matter what happened after they went their separate ways, she would always have this night."
Oh, gasp. Oh, gush! Oh, BALONEY!
The most entertaining little nugget of unintentional humor comes in the author's bio, where it states that...
"Ari Thatcher is a native Los Angelean who is avidly approaching her cougar years."
She's "avidly approaching her cougar years" ! How the hell do you avidly approach anything?
You are from Los Angeles, check, You look kind of like Sally Spectra, check. Mmmmm... but not enough like Sally Spectra for me, so that'll be a rain check, you wascally cougar, you! Doctor please come and get me with your TARDIS and take me to the set of The Bold And The Beautiful somewhere around 1989 when Darlene Conley was alive and hot!
Additionally her bio states that...
"When she's not hunting her next prey, she can be found writing down her fantasies."
I can guess which one she does more of. I can also tell you that she does that very poorly.
Across several sites Maui Heat has gotten mixed reviews, though mainly negative ones, and it averages somewhere in the neighborhood of Two Stars. Me, well I'm not that generous. Maui Heat rates One Star with me and it did nothing to entice me to read its sequel, Maui Rekindled, or any of Thatcher's other works.
If you can't do without this piece of freebie cheese in your collection you can find it here:
Sony eReader Store: http://ebookstore.sony.com/ebook/ari-thatcher/maui-heat/_/R-400000000000000237549
Lurk it up if you dare!